My name is Leslie, and I am a Christian. I want to share with you what I regard to as a shocking experience but one which I am already making peace with. The incident happened last week and that night has turned out to be a night I will never forget; it was the night I caught my husband watching porn. That was the first time I would see him watch porn. I know this might not be a big deal to many people, but when you and your husband attend the same church, and he is the senior pastor of the church, it becomes a big deal. He preaches against sin and all sinful acts every Sunday, even during weekly services, he emphasizes on all-round purity and dedication of one’s body to God. It really shattered my soul to have seen him calmly watching porn that night, and it struck me that it might not be the first time he had watched porn since we got married.
I just couldn’t wrap my head around it, as numerous questions started popping up in my head. I wondered all night what could have led him to do such a thing. What factors were responsible for that irresponsible act? Was it me? Am I not good enough? Was it that he was undergoing too much stress and the only thing that could calm him down was to sneak to the sitting room to watch porn in the middle of the night? What could really be wrong? These and several other questions could not let me sleep throughout that night because I was so shocked; I never expected such a thing from him.
There was no indication of unhappiness in our home; the kids were doing well, he was doing pretty well, and I was also in good shape. We talked over dinner, we watched a movie together, and afterwards, we all went to bed pretty much the same time just like every other day. I did not have any reason to be suspicious of my husband as he comes home early, we’d talk about virtually everything that had happened to him during the day including the people he had met, and even if any woman had flirt with him, he would tell me. So I really felt confident that we were getting along pretty well.
I have been faithful to my husband from the onset, and I have never denied him of sex, unless I was going through really difficult situations that I just couldn’t help but tackle and find the solution to them. And more so, when such situation arises, he would be the first person to know because we don’t hide anything from each other. We are very open with each other, and that is the legacy we give on a daily basis to our kids about marriage. We always make them know that communication is the key to a successful relationship. A relationship that is based on secrets, lies and deceits is doomed to fail. So, for us, communication was never a problem. What then could have gone wrong?
My family is blessed with three kids; two boys and a girl. Landon, our first child is in high school; Dylan is the second child, and he is in middle school; and my little girl, Hailey, is in primary school. I love my kids so much, and I will never allow anything to hurt them. I am a stay home mom, so I am pretty much involved in their day-to-day life. They are also very close with their dad even though he doesn’t spend as much time as I do with them. Although, he comes home early, but most times he brings along unfinished office work with him; coupled with his pastoral work, he hardly have time for the kids.
My husband is financially buoyant, and this was why we decided that I should stay at home to give the kids the attention they need as they grow up. I wasn’t always a stay at home mom; I was a teacher in a nearby school before I gave birth to our first child. My husband combines his office work and pastoral work, so he is doing pretty well financially. He doesn’t deny us of anything we wanted, as long as it’s important to us. So, was it too much stress that made him do what he did?
The whole scenario actually happened last week. Although he has apologised like a million times, but deep down, I still feel a sort of resentment towards him. I felt that if he is capable of sneaking to watch porn, then he is capable of actually acting on it. And who knows what he is secretly doing with all the beautiful ladies who work with him both at the office and at the church. What I felt that night was more of a betrayal of trust, because before that night, I could swear on anything that my husband will never do such a thing; that he would never even think about it, not to talk of actually watching it. I thought he was different from every other man, I thought he was an angel sent to me from heaven, and that he would never hurt me; how wrong was I?
As I write this piece, we are already making peace with the situation and with each other. Although, throughout last week, we had ceaseless intense arguments, but now I am cooling things down so that we can continue to live happily and put this “one act of err” as he called it, behind us. If I have learnt anything from this issue with my husband, it is that nobody is above mistake, and couples should know that because things are going on smooth on the surface does not necessarily mean your partner is on par with you every time. This is why continuous communication and constant checking up on each other is essential for a peaceful and long-lasting relationship.
Author – Leslie N.